By Marty Kocon
Cardinal Staff
Do you happen to find yourself not getting attention from girls? Has the winter weather left you out in the cold? Find yourself resenting the parade of couples which surround you, illuminating your inadequacies and leaving you to sulk in the growing void at your life’s essential core?
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Fear not, the night is always darkest before the dawn, right? Here are a few tips to help you break through the slump. Tips from a simpler time, a time when being “line leader” could score you some major points with the ladies.
That’s right, we’re talking elementary school moves. A time when “hitting on girls” may have in fact included hitting on girls. [This writer and the Cardinal newspaper do NOT condone violence of any kind but rather enjoyed the juxtaposition of the literal and figurative uses of the phrase as a way to showcase how the world has really come full circle. So please calm down. I am trying to be funny, not batter women].
For example, you should be sure to get yourself a big poofy Starter jacket. While along with being a practically sound way to deal with the cold Minnesota winters, the Starter jacket can conceal the four extra pounds you put on over Thanksgiving break or your lack of muscle, not to mention make you one of the coolest kids on the playground. This makes it ideal for building a snow fort, sledding or digging out your secret crush’s car from the yellow lot.
Also, there is no quicker way to a woman’s heart than offering her cuts in line. For those who are unaware or have forgotten, “The Kids Unwritten Code” defines cutting in line as budging, cutsies, heads or tails as the act of placing an outsider to the line access to the spot in front of or behind you. Whether it is for chicken nuggets in the caf or for a game of tetherball, nothing says “I want (you)” like “psssst you can (have cutsies) here.”
If you are of the bolder type, this tip is for you. If you happen to have a class with your secret crush, you can serenade her during class. Just during some down time in your calc 4, analytical chemistry, spelling or metaphysics class start singing, “I can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid….” And if she is so bold as to sing the girl part, then you are golden; and to be honest, if she doesn’t like Aladdin are you really missing out on that much?
Well I have reached my word limit, so I wish you good luck, but with these tips I don’t think you will need that.
[Editor’s note: The views expressed in this article are not representative of “The Cardinal” newspaper, its staff or the University.]
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